“President Obama’s daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad’s gift. She won’t say what it is but she did say, ‘It’s something he likes.’ Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?” – Conan O’Brien
“Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself ‘Barry from D.C.’ Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck’s radio show as ‘B. Hussein from Kenya.'” ?” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, it’s been a long time coming . . . But tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. is the Senate’s big healthcare vote. Which means starting at 5 a.m., me and my buddies will be tailgating in the Senate parking lot.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It’s like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged.” – David Letterman
“According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957.” ?” – Conan O’Brien
“Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.” – David Letterman
“The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren’t allowed to drive over there.” – Jay Leno
