“It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.” – Jay Leno
“The healthcare bill won’t have a public option. But Obama was like, ‘The public option is not the most important aspect’ of the healthcare bill because ‘only a few million people’ would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like ‘Ummm . . . we can hear you.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jay Leno
“Everyone is talking about healthcare. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But boy — you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead they’re both getting universal healthcare.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange Christmas presents. That’s nice. My wife and I made the same decision a few years ago and let me tell you, it’s a trap, Obama! Don’t fall for it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama brought cookies to kids at a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, and he said to the kids, ‘Here’s the question: have you guys been good?’ Then the kids were like, ‘Here’s another question: Did you get us the Olympics? How about a public option? Did you fix the economy? No? Then why don’t you just hand over the cookies, Barry.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there’s a lesson here: In America it’s better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger.” – Jay Leno
“Former President Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he’s completed about 85 percent. His exact quote was, ‘I’m halfway done.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Dick Cheney has been named ‘Conservative of the Year’ by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time ‘Dick Cheney’ and ‘human’ have been used in the same sentence. Dick Cheney was also named ‘gas-bag of the year’ by Gas-Bag magazine.” – David Letterman
