“And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it ‘won’t include everything that everybody wants.’ For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you hear about what happened a couple of months ago at the White House? There were some tourists taking the tour of the White House. And the next thing you know, they’re invited to have breakfast with the president. So they went in and had breakfast with the president. And it turns out it was a huge mistake. They crashed breakfast with the president. And everybody was very upset, because they were supposed to crash a cabinet meeting.” – David Letterman
“You guys, listen to this. It turns out the Secret Service accidentally let another random couple into a private reception with Obama, which means at this point the White House is slightly less exclusive than the Burger King Kids Club.” – Jimmy Fallon
“But the Secret Service said that the couple had been properly screened. Well, that’s great. Who’s screening the Secret Service? That’s what I want to know!” – David Letterman
“But you know in the old days, when President Bush was down there in the White House, we didn’t have security breaches. And I’ll tell you why. We had ‘Shotgun’ Dick Cheney running things.” – David Letterman
“President Obama — this is an odd bit of news — he is going to appear on a WWE wrestling special. Clearly, he wants another one of them peace prizes.” – Craig Ferguson
“But Obama’s taking this appearance seriously. He’s been practicing by repeatedly hitting Joe Biden over the head with a folding chair.” – Craig Ferguson
“This, by the way, is the first time a president has participated in a wrestling event, if you don’t count Bill Clinton’s mud wrestling fiasco towards the end of his …” – Craig Ferguson
“And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations.” – Jay Leno
“Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, ‘Happy harmonica.'” – David Letterman
“Well, earlier this week at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation’s top Wall Street bankers face-to-face. The meeting went well, although the bankers did charge President Obama 25 bucks for not using the ATM out front. See, it costs more if you see them in person.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has written a personal letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong- Il, in an effort to improve relations. It may not work because the letter starts, ‘Dear Mr. Girly Glasses.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They’re fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn’t proven. Schwarzenegger said she’s ‘living in the Stone Age.’ And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.” – David Letterman
“This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He’s not here, all right?” – David Letterman
“This morning, ‘Time’ magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its 2009 Person of the Year. I’m not sure he deserves it. I think ‘Time’ just knows what everybody in the magazine business knows – you put Bernanke on the cover and you’re going to sell some copies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wow, yeah. That was a big surprise. They selected Ben Bernanke as the — all right! Please! Once more and you’re out of here, O.K.?” – David Letterman
“I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that’s what happened.” – David Letterman
“And Citigroup announced it is paying taxpayers back the $20 billion in bailout money it took. Wells Fargo announced it’s paying back $25 billion it borrowed. And Bank of America says they’ve paid back the $45 billion in taxpayer money they borrowed. So the good news is taxpayers got their money back from Wall Street. The bad news? Congress has it. You’ll never see it again, O.K.? It is gone. It is gone forever.” – Jay Leno
“This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there.” – Jay Leno
“They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush’s excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn’t find a stamp.” – Jay Leno
“Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John ‘I am not the father’ Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that’s why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He’s got two different women living in two different houses. Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work.” – Jay Leno
