“Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it’s being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Clearly, Lieberman has gone from having Joe-mentum to having Joe-mentia.” – Stephen Colbert
“The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it’s Washington, you’re not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster.” – Jay Leno
“Last night, Barack Obama hosted the first of two White House holiday parties for the press. It was a good time until Helen Thomas started hogging the karaoke machine. It was terrible. The only song she knew was ‘Single Ladies.’ It was really awkward.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Oprah visited the Obamas at the White House on Sunday night for her ‘Christmas at the White House’ special. She’s actually thinking of buying the White House, and so she was scouting it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration’s first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week, one White House official said that the recession was over. And then, another White House official said, no, it’s definitely not over. You wonder how those party crashers got in, huh?” – David Letterman
“But the White House announced that Guantanamo Bay’s detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. There’s like 500 terrorists and suspected terrorists and alleged terrorists down there in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. And they’ll be moved now to a prison in Illinois. And I was thinking, well, this really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics.” – David Letterman
“Huge protest of hundreds at climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd.” – Jay Leno
“You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn’t believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn’t read all the newspapers.” – David Letterman
“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ‘sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with.” – Jimmy Fallon
“History was made this week. This weekend Houston became the city to ever elect an openly lesbian mayor. That’s not the part that made history. The part that made history, finally a woman in the news not accused of sleeping with Tiger Woods.” – Jay Leno
“Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush’s Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, ‘Dear Santa.'” – Conan O’Brien
