“Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede.” – Jay Leno
“The president got the Peace Prize yesterday. That was a big event yesterday in Norway. Yeah, yesterday in Norway, President Obama gave a speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, and Will Smith was in the crowd. Did you know that? Will Smith was sitting in the crowd. Amazing. Yeah, the place was packed with Norwegians and yet somehow Obama was able to spot Will Smith.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.” – Jay Leno
“The environmental summit has gone on in Copenhagen, the big UN Summit on climate change. Thank god this has taken place because I want to tell you, when the UN tackles a problem, it’s gone. Adios, it’s gone.” – David Letterman
“A lot of heads of state at the Copenhagen summit, and a lot of scientists, and scientists are guys that don’t get out a lot. They’re always staring into beakers. So when they’re around other scientists, it’s kind of a party, you know what I’m saying? Kind of a party. So the hottest pickup line at the Copenhagen Climate Summit is, ‘Is it getting hotter, or is it just me?'” – David Letterman
“Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions.” – Seth Meyers
“Wait till you hear this. A new poll found that 44% of Americans would rather have Bush back as the president. The scary part is that one of those people was President Obama. He’s like, ‘Please, be my guest.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, ‘I’m the president, but he’s the boss.’ At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.” – Seth Meyers
“Next week, the Obama administration will host their first Hanukkah party at the White House. And according to the New York Times, a lot of people are upset, because it’s a little smaller this year, and they weren’t invited. They weren’t invited. Hey, it’s the White House. You just sneak in, okay?” – Jay Leno
“During a speech on the economy, President Obama said this week, ‘We have to continue to spend our way out of the recession.’ To which Nicholas Cage said, ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to do!'” – Jay Leno
“A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, ‘We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.’ Well, of course not. There’d be no politicians left if you did that.” – Jay Leno
“A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air” – Seth Meyers
