“Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, ‘Listen, we know how you can get back in.'” – Jay Leno
“Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn’t sneak into the White House?” – David Letterman
“Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there’s a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. ‘Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.’ It’s the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren’t invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.” – David Letterman
“According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy’s got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.” – Conan O’Brien
“Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don’t think Michelle’s going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Well, hell, he ought to be sending them to Tiger Wood’s house.” – David Letterman
“While speaking about Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center last night, President Obama said, ‘I’m the President, but he’s the Boss.’ And then Biden was like, ‘Then who the hell is Tony Danza?!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama. Did you hear about this? He spoke at a town hall last week and a student stood up and asked him if he would consider legalizing drugs to stimulate the economy. Unfortunately, the student’s follow-up question was, ‘Do you ever hear colors?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, are you guys excited about the U.N. climate change conference in Copenhagen? Yeah! Starting today, President Obama said the U.S. can reduce carbon emissions by 17 percent by the year 2020. Then he was like, ‘Of course, by then, I’ll be out of office, so I can promise anything I want. By 2020, a free Xbox for every man, woman and child. By 2040, a Megan Fox clone for every dude. Not my problem, call President Timberlake.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Fifteen thousand people talking about climate change for two weeks. It’s basically Al Gore’s version of Ozzfest.” –Jimmy Fallon
“In Iowa, a large group of people waited outside a Sarah Palin book signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The large group of people was known as the Iowa Democratic Party.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, ‘Happy Holidays.’ The other 78% say, ‘Feliz Navidad.'” – Jay Leno
