“After months of deliberation, our president, President Obama, tonight revealed his much-anticipated plans for Afghanistan. Turns out he’s decided to pave it over and make a Wal-Mart out of it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some people are upset about President Obama’s prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC’s airing of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas,’ or as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods’s mansion in Orlando — peacekeeping forces.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world’s supply of rubble, and we need that.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Secret Service just announced that due to that couple crashing the White House state dinner last week, they will change some of their screening policies. For example, the password to get into the White House will no longer be, ‘Seriously, they said we could come.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride’s father to the bachelor party? That’s going to be a tough call.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.” – Jimmy Kimmel
