“Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar.” – David Letterman
“The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin’s appearance on ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show.’ It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin’s more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president.” – Conan O’Brien
“John McCain, Sarah Palin’s former running mate, read the Sarah Palin memoir. After 23 years of military service, five years as a prisoner of war, 22 years as a U.S. senator, I’m sure that John found Sarah’s story very inspirational.” – David Letterman
“A lot of people are saying that it’s too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least ten more years of inexperience.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin’s book is now available on kindle, and, coincidentally, I’m using my copy as kindling.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t want to say Geithner is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be taken off the bill.” – Jay Leno
“The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one.” – Jay Leno
“Now, three weeks ago, they said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they’re saying they really don’t know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It’s like fighting over whether or not to fight.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don’t buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it’ll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won’t they get free health care for five years?” – Jay Leno
“That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told him that his son was floating away in a balloon.” – David Letterman
“Khalid is expected to get a tough reception here in New York City because everybody hates him. You know, why not? Here’s a guy you can hate. And on top of that, he’s a Red Sox fan.” – David Letterman
“Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he’ll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years.” – David Letterman
“President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10% off coupon at Wal-Mart.” – Jay Leno
“California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you know what he’s going to be doing after this? He’ll be a speech therapist.” – Jay Leno
“It’s a big week for Chuck Schumer. First his birthday and then being named sexiest man alive.” – David Letterman
