“Anybody reading the ‘Going Rogue’ book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter.” – David Letterman
“President Obama said he probably won’t read Sarah Palin’s new book, because she’ll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won’t read Sarah Palin’s book, because it’s a book.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin signed copies — she’s out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig.” – David Letterman
“The Sarah Palin tour made its stop in Noblesville, Indiana, today. Her book, ‘Going Rogue,’ is still at the top of Amazon’s best seller list, which is rare for a work of fiction.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be.” – David Letterman
“Earlier this week — this is crazy — the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over.” – Conan O’Brien
“Kellogg’s announced that due to a problem at the factory this year, there’s going to be a nationwide shortage of Eggo waffles. The terror alert has been raised to orange.” – Conan O’Brien
“Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who’s going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He’s going on trial. And the time that he’s in New York City, he’s going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he’ll be on the ‘Today Show,’ singing ‘I Dreamed a Dream.’ Very busy schedule.” – David Letterman
“He’s not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter.” – David Letterman
“But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they’re going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They’re going to get him, cuff him, outta here!” – David Letterman
“The Senate unveiled its own version of the healthcare bill yesterday. It will cost $849 billion and cover 31 million Americans. It’s so exciting. That means we’re close to having that bill voted on by the Senate, then combined with the bill in House, then re-voted on again by both houses and then signed into law, which will take effect in three years. Exciting, right?!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup.” – David Letterman
“I don’t know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden’s 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn’t blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One week ’til Thanksgiving. Very excited about that. Back in Washington, our congressional leaders all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. I read today Nancy Pelosi already taking her turkey in to have its neck tightened up.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has lifted his ban on doing interviews with Fox News. Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, ‘How do you think you’re doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus ten?” – Conan O’Brien
“The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it lost $3.8 billion this year. Here’s the worst part. You know how they lost it? In the mail.” – Jay Leno
“Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, ‘I have never labeled myself as a politician.’ At least that’s what I think he said. Either that or, ‘I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'” – Jay Leno
“Hey, President Obama was in South Korea today, discussing what to do about Iran’s nuclear ambitions. And he said he plans to, quote, ‘indicate our seriousness to Iran.’ Obama plans to indicate our seriousness by having our next message to Iran read aloud by James Earl Jones.” – Conan O’Brien
