“President Obama winding up his Asian tour this week. There’s a switch. Something American in China. You never see that.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier today, President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China. He said it was, quote, ‘magical’ as opposed to two years ago, when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And yesterday, while speaking in Beijing at the Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to China for its economic successes. And you know something: it’s amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor. It’s fantastic.” – Jay Leno
“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rate is now under 50%. ‘Well, welcome to the club,’ I said.” – David Letterman
“In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, ‘Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been announced that President Obama’s first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.” – David Letterman
“Today in Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones.” – Conan O’Brien
“In Washington, D.C., today, the Senate paid tribute to West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who officially became the longest serving lawmaker in the history of Congress. He turns 92 on Friday. He’s still senating. His fellow senators honored him on the Senate floor. They were strongly urged to keep speeches brief, just in case.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. Last night, she was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama’s performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, ‘Oh, that’s easy, F.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn’t name any, but still.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin’s new book, ‘Going Rogue,’ came out yesterday. It’s getting a lot of attention, primarily because she spends a lot of the book settling scores with the media, the political elite, she’s angry at the weather for raining on her once.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m Jimmy. I’m the host of this show. Don’t worry. I got the whole night planned out. We’re going to have drinks, we’re going to have appetizers, and then we’re going to roast a moose and split it up between us. I got the recipe out of the new Sarah Palin book.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And she goes after vegetarians, too. She asks, ‘If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?’ It’s a really good question. Hey, wait a second. People are made out of meat, too! And so are cocker spaniels. I think the lesson is, don’t go to Sarah Palin’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“She believes that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher, who said, ‘If you want something done, ask a woman.’ I guess that’s why she asked a woman to write the book for her.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he’s going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting.” – David Letterman
“And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare.” – Jay Leno
“And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That’s amazing, isn’t it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous.” – Jay Leno
“And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism.” – Jay Leno
