“Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on ‘Oprah,’ ‘Good Morning America,’ ‘ABC World News,’ ‘Nightline,’ ‘Sean Hannity,’ and ’20/20.’ During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won’t leave her alone.” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin’s got that book out, that ‘Going Rogue.’ And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don’t worry, Sarah, I’m sure you’ll get another opportunity.” – David Letterman
“The other day, Sarah Palin said she’d like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is ‘great for the Republican Party.’ Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth.” – David Letterman
“Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn’t leave his family’s front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon
“I was watching ‘Oprah’ on the TV. She had Sarah Palin on the show. Sarah was promoting her book, where she talks about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world, which is ridiculous, because no one can replace Oprah.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama was in Japan. Some people are upset that Obama bowed to the Japanese emperor. It’s still better than when former President Bush high-fived the emperor and said, ‘Give me some skin, Mr. Miyagi.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama was in Japan. He made a ceremonial visit to the birthplace of Hideki Matsui.” – David Letterman
“And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama ‘make yourself at home,’ so he took over Toyota. He’s running it now.” – Jay Leno
“And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world’s third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah.” – David Letterman
“President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the ‘People’s Republic of Wal-Mart.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu, as in ‘guess Hu’s got our money.’ I believe that’s how you say it.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, during a town hall event in China, President Obama admitted that he’s never used Twitter. Even John McCain was like, ‘Get it together, grandpa.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, ‘Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don’t want to hear.’ Then he went back to trashing Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats.” – Craig Ferguson
“You know who’s coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He’s coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he’s promoting his new book, ‘Really Going Rogue.'” – David Letterman
“Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing ‘Mama Mia!'” – David Letterman
“And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices.” – Jay Leno
“In what reporters are calling a very strange press conference, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won’t elect a leader with a beard. Yeah, I’ll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him.” – Jay Leno
