“CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain” – Jimmy Fallon
“NASA’s been on a campaign to ease people’s fears about the end of the world in 2012. Does anybody really think this is going to happen? No, this true. NASA announced that the movie ‘2012’ is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong. And there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that’s gonna destroy it. People believe this stuff. They say the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be, I guess, Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street.” – Jay Leno
“You guys hear this? In a speech yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will broke by Christmas broke unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like, ‘Good call, let’s start with the governor.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bad news for New York. Governor Paterson, the governor of New York, announced that by the end of the year, New York City will be broke. Yep. So we’re going to have to make lots of cuts. The Midtown Tunnel. That will be by appointment only. Call ahead. Let them know you’re coming through. Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies. And the city temporarily has stopped constructing potholes” – David Letterman
“40th anniversary of ‘Sesame Street.’ Yeah, this is big. First Lady Michelle Obama was on ‘Sesame Street’ today, showing children how to plant their own healthy vegetable gardens. Isn’t that nice? Yeah, then the kids said, ‘Screw the vegetables,’ and they barbecued Big Bird” – Conan O’Brien
“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon.” – David Letterman
“Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures.” – Craig Ferguson
Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape … she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“She’s trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling.” – Jimmy Kimmel
