“Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, ‘He Who Cares.’ Isn’t that nice? That’s nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, ‘Big Chief Running Mouth.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy’s in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, ‘Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin’s new book, new memoir, is coming out next month. It’s called, ‘Going Rogue.’ Ooooh. She was like Rambo, out there on her own. Hidin’ in the trees, swoopin’ down on vines. Out there lookin’ for bogies.” – David Letterman
“She’s already received … a million dollars. … You know what she did? She went shopping. You know where she went? Bed, Bath And You Betcha.” – David Letterman
“The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it’s just tough.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chrysler announced it’s coming out with a new logo that’s going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, ‘Toyota.'” – Conan O’Brien
“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.” – Jay Leno
“Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the ‘greatest threat to freedom he’s ever seen.’ And then the Taliban was like, ‘Uh, helloooo? What?!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy birthday to Maria Shriver. Maria celebrated quietly with Governor Schwarzenegger in his lair on Skull Island.” – David Letterman
“Big day in New York for the Yankees. Ticker tape parade. Anyone here go to the parade? Mayor Bloomberg was there. He called New York City the ‘Capital of Baseball.’ Then he spent 85 million dollars of his own money to become the new Mayor of Baseball.” – Jimmy Fallon
