“During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor’s races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out.” – Conan O’Brien
“During his speech in Wisconsin yesterday, President Obama explained that he was upset with his daughter, Malia, after she got a 73 on her science test. When I heard that, I was like: ‘Seventy-three? I would have killed for a 73.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, you know, a lot of people are saying these Republican victories are a backlash against Obama’s policies. What policies? Don’t know what the policies are.” – Jay Leno
“The White House says that President Obama did not watch the election results the other night. He watched the Chicago Bulls instead. So at least one of his teams won.” – Jay Leno
“Later in his speech, President Obama said that the currency of today’s economy is knowledge. Great, another currency where China has us beat.” – Jimmy Fallon
“HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called ‘By the People.’ ‘By the People.’ It’s all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It’s called, ‘By Mistake.'” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin announced that she’s gonna travel across the country on a bus to promote her new book. She’ll be hard to miss ’cause it’ll be the only bus on the road with a dead moose strapped on the hood.” – Conan O’Brien
“During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal.” – Conan O’Brien
“The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats’ health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, ‘We can’t wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Big new holiday movie. It’s the new ‘Christmas Carol,’ it opens on Friday. And Dick Cheney saw it already and loved it and through the whole movie he was yelling, ‘Go Scrooge, come on, Scrooge, go Scrooge!'” – David Letterman
“Voters in Ohio approved a measure that will allow casinos in Cleveland. So now there will be another way to lose your money in Cleveland besides betting on the Browns.” – Jay Leno
“Al Gore was here in New York yesterday signing copies of his new book ‘Our Choice’ at Barnes and Noble. It was strange, Gore wouldn’t write his name. He just signed each book, ‘I’m sorry, tree.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company’s defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, if you are not happy about Mayor Bloomberg being mayor, don’t blame me, O.K.? If you are not happy about this, don’t blame me. I voted for — well, I don’t remember his name.” – David Letterman
“Actually, the guy’s name is Bill Thompson. Bill Thompson. Yes, Bill Thompson. Isn’t that a name you get in the witness protection program?” – David Letterman
