“You’re here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!” – David Letterman
“Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing.” – Jay Leno
“Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here’s how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That’s right. Yeah, and I don’t know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai.” – Conan O’Brien
“One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we’re still in Iraq. We’re still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul.” – David Letterman
“Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. ‘What happened?'” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That’s all they have.” – David Letterman
“There’s a new book that’s coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, ‘Uh-oh.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I’m looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents.” – David Letterman
“Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn’t count, if you think about it?” – David Letterman
“Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term.” – Jay Leno
“Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that’s not playing for the Yankees?” – Jay Leno
“Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. And today, Arnold Schwarzenegger said — ‘You can do that? How do you do that? Why can’t I do that here?'” – Jay Leno
“Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. … They say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama’s one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him.” – Jay Leno
“Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.” – Jimmy Fallon
