“Well, the big story out of Washington is this healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9, I believe it was. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that’s just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, the Democrats’ health-care bill made it past the Senate Finance Committee, in a 14-9 vote. Sorry if I spoiled the ending for you guys. I know a … lot of you probably TiVo C-SPAN.” – Jimmy Fallon
“But yes, that’s what happened. Republican Senator Olympia Snowe broke ranks with her party and voted for the Democrats’ healthcare bill. She’s been missing ever since.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m so excited, because I had Olympia Snowe on my fantasy Congress team. I’m like, ‘Yeah! Score, man!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“But even though the bill passed, President Obama said that now is not the time to pat ourselves on the back, mostly because you might pull a muscle. He says, ‘Wait until you actually have health insurance before you do anything.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The good news is we’ll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is it won’t be in our lifetime. It will never happen.” – Jay Leno
“Health care has now passed the Senate Finance Committee. So now here’s what the Republicans are going to do to try and kill the health-care bill. They’re going to go into filibuster where the guy gets the floor and he just keeps yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking and yacking. And people get tired and go home. Hey, wait, that could happen right now.” – David Letterman
“John McCain’s going to do the filibustering and he’s going to talk about his collection of big band records.” – David Letterman
“And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years, as long as it takes!” – Jay Leno
“Obama’s doing a great job, in impossible circumstances, by the way. You know he won the Nobel Peace Prize a couple of days ago. And the week before that, he won the daytime Nobel Peace Prize. So he’s won them both.” – David Letterman
“And, of course, the Republicans still can’t believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. And the Democrats can’t believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. So, it’s even.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin’s memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey.” – David Letterman
“They also say that during her debate with Joe Biden — the vice presidential debate — she got confused and at one point actually said, ‘I’m ready to solve the puzzle, Pat.'” – David Letterman
“A top adviser to President Obama says that the most important interactions the President has with Joe Biden happen when no one else is around. Obama says that the best interactions with Biden happen when Biden isn’t around.” – Conan O’Brien
“And over the weekend, they held a big gay rights march in Washington, D.C. Tens of thousand of gay Americans of all political persuasions filled hotel rooms in D.C. Actually, it was just the Democrats in the rooms. The Republicans were still in the closet.” – Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to buy the St. Louis Rams, has downplayed racial comments that he’s made in the past by saying if he was a racist, why would he want to be part of a business that is 70% African American? Well, I don’t know. Maybe because you would own them? Think that has anything to do with it?” – Jay Leno
“Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin music event included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently it was much more fun than last year’s party, which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer.” – Conan O’Brien
“Thank you for coming out on such a wet day. Man! The rain we’ve been having. What a storm this has been. The roads are slicker than John Edwards on ‘Cheaters.'” – Jay Leno
“NASA recently announced they have a photograph from the Hubble Telescope that shows two galaxies colliding. Then they took a closer look and said, ‘Wait a second. Those galaxies aren’t colliding. They’re doing it.'” – Conan O’Brien
“And for the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know what that means? More AIG bonuses!” – Jay Leno
“And the Department of Homeland Security announced that instead of putting illegal immigrants in jail, what they’re going to do is let them stay at converted hotels. Let me explain how this works. If you’re a homeless American whose house has been foreclosed on, you’re desperate for shelter, here’s what you do. You sneak across the boarder to Mexico, you walk back in; the government puts you up at the Sheraton. Fantastic deal.” – Jay Leno
