“People still upset that Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize. And today the head of the Nobel Prize Committee defended the decision to give Obama this year’s peace prize, saying that Obama’s already accomplished quite a bit. When asked for an example, the committee chairman said, ‘Come on, he won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking.” – Jay Leno
“The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year’s Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you know the Nobel Peace Prize comes with a cash award? It’s like a million dollars. Actually, it’s $1.4 million. See, apparently, this is President Obama’s plan to finance healthcare reform. Keep winning these awards — the Nobel, the Powerball, the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes — keep winning these, and we can pay for the whole healthcare thing.” – Jay Leno
“Well, here’s some news. President Obama’s healthcare plan passed the Senate Finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans are disappointed because they had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine flu masks and Purell.” – David Letterman
“Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That’s the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom.” – Craig Ferguson
“The Republicans are quite upset. John McCain had to console that ‘you lie’ guy.” – David Letterman
“John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.” – David Letterman
“A new article just came out. It shows that the phrase used most often by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear’ whereas the phrase used most often by Joe Biden is, ‘Hey, where are you all going?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney’s policy, ‘Don’t Look, Don’t Aim.'” – David Letterman
“And in NFL news, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. So far, this season, the Rams are what, 0-5? What is it with the Republicans? They can’t seem to pick a winning team lately. What’s going on?” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president.” – David Letterman
“The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Colorado will become the first state ever to lower its minimum wage by 3 cents an hour, from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, Colorado workers will be allowed to leave work 9 seconds earlier.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wal-Mart employees were like, ‘There’s a minimum wage?'” – Jimmy Fallon
