“This is an historic night. Tonight, for the first time in American history, we are preparing to attack the moon.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“NASA is going to launch a rocket to the moon on Friday. They’re going to shoot a rocket to the moon. Just going to — kaboom, kaboom! The government says don’t worry, that they’re pretty certain we will be greeted as liberators.” – David Letterman
“Well, here’s something interesting. Tomorrow, NASA scientists will crash two spacecraft into the surface of the moon in an effort to find ice. The spacecrafts are named ‘Amtrak One’ and ‘Amtrak Two.'” – Jay Leno
“The United States is bombing the moon tonight. NASA is honestly planning to fire a rocket-powered explosive into one of the lunar poles. See, this is what happens when your president’s slogan is ‘Yes we can.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I was reading that NASA is going to fire that rocket into the crater of the moon tomorrow morning, and people can follow the mission on Facebook and on Twitter. And you can go to Friendster, too, and follow the original moon landing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We’re bombing the moon. We’re attacking the moon. And we hope to find out if there’s water. And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence.” – David Letterman
“Scientists are very excited about the possibility of ice on the moon. Not as excited as personal injury attorneys, but almost as excited.” – Jay Leno
“This bombing expedition cost NASA $79 million. Do you have any idea how many Nicolas Cage movies you could make for $79 million? Almost one.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If I was NASA, I would have auctioned the chance to fire the missile that blows up the moon on eBay, right? I mean, it would have paid for itself. ‘Dude, who gets the push the button to explode the moon? Me, that’s right.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Speaking of NASA, you guys heard about this asteroid that can strike the Earth in 2036? NASA just downgraded the threat collision to 1 in 250,000. That means you have a better shot at getting crushed by an asteroid than winning the grand prize of McDonald’s ‘Monopoly.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night, President Obama had dozens of middle school students over to the White House. And they set up 20 telescopes outside to look at the stars. The kids were kind of bratty, though. One of them was like, ‘Hey, look, I can see Rio de Janeiro.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend, President Obama plans to appoint his Administration’s first openly gay ambassador, David Huebner. Huebner will serve as the U.S. ambassador to Barbra Streisand.” – Conan O’Brien
“Here is an example of how quickly things can turn around. According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped. In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it is now down to just 99 percent.” – Jay Leno
“Well, the big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We’ve been waiting, but I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy.” – Jay Leno
“And tonight, Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House for several members of Congress. He didn’t even want to play, he just wanted to see Congress pass something.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The basketball game was very intense. At one point, Hillary landed hard and sprained her cankle.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin.” – David Letterman
“Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States. They want to promote savings. And listen to this. It’s $1,000 if it turns out your congressman is your baby’s father.” – Jay Leno
“Is that a good idea? Have a baby, get $500. You thought a lot of illegals were coming here to have kids before?” – Jay Leno
“News out of Afghanistan. The Taliban say that they have no plan of harming countries of the world, including those in Europe. I’m not sure how convincing that sounds. It is like telling your RA, ‘I have no beer in this room at all, especially not under my bed.'” – Jimmy Fallon
