Political Irony

“The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has completed her memoir, and it’ll be in stores in November. So that’s something to look forward to. A lot of people aren’t taking her seriously. I’ve seen it. It’s a big, huge book. But when you go into the store, you can use that big book to step up so you can reach a better book.” – David Letterman

“Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has a new book coming out. They say she finished the book ahead of schedule so they moved the release date up to November 17th. So, turns out she can finish something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The book will be out this November. Coincidentally, she was out last November.” – David Letterman

“The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s called ‘Going Rogue.’ Not to be confused with John McCain’s new memoir, ‘Going Several Times A Night.'” – David Letterman

“I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin’s 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it’s called ‘Going Rogue: An American Life.’ And critics say that it starts out okay, it get’s really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The title of the book is ‘Going Rogue,’ which is how some of John McCain’s advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don’t. And some think ‘Going Rogue’ is a rip-off of Joe Biden’s memoir, ‘Going Rogaine,’ which came out like five years ago.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know he’s not just the Vice President, he’s also a client.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American dollar as the new global currency. The Treasury Department is telling everyone to not panic, just calmly throw your money away.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Big healthcare news. This just happened. The public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee, or as supporters of universal healthcare call them, ‘The Death Panel.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The final tally was eight voted ‘yes,’ 15 voted ‘you lie!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know what happened one year ago today? The stock market dropped 700 points. One year ago today. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I.” – David Letterman

“It’s interesting now. A lot of people say, they’re bragging, ‘I didn’t lose any money. I’m smarter than that. I didn’t lose any money.’ For example, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska, did not lose a penny when the stock market tanked. You know why? She has all her money in pelts.” – David Letterman

“Chicago, Illinois, wants the Olympics in 2016. Everybody is pitching in. Remember former Governor Rod Blagojevich? Even he’s pitching in. He said if they send the Olympics to Chicago, he will throw in a US Senate seat.” – David Letterman

“President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It’s worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there.” – David Letterman

“Do you folks remember Andy Williams? Fantastic singer. He says that President Obama is following Marxist theory. I said, ‘That’s interesting. I think I’m going to wait and see what the Andrews Sisters say.'” – David Letterman

“Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don’t want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I was reading today about President Obama’s new plans for education. I guess President Obama wants kids to spend more time in school. He wants them staying later in the day. That’s not new. We had that when I was in school. It’s called detention. I was there until 5:30, 6:00 every night.” – Jay Leno

“I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That’s no fun at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And officials from the US, Great Britain, and France are demanding that Iran disclose all of its nuclear efforts after it was revealed that Iran had this secret nuclear facility. These Iranians, very clever at disguising it. They made sure nobody could find this place. They made the outside of it look just like a movie theater showing that new Megan Fox film.” – Jay Leno