“Today, President Obama spoke at the G-20 global economic summit in Pittsburgh. He warned that if the world economy does not get better, next year’s summit will also be in Pittsburgh.” – Jay Leno
“It’s chilly here in New York City. As a matter of fact today, it was chillier than a conversation between President Obama and Governor Paterson. Apparently what happened, Governor Paterson gets a call from President Obama, and President Obama says, ‘Hey, uh, don’t run.’ A lot of tension between these two guys; as a matter of fact, now, it looks like Paterson may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman
“Did you see this idiot, Muammar Qaddafii, speak at the U.N.? What a hypocrite this guy is, standing there, putting down Western culture, yet he’s swearing a Snuggie.” – Jay Leno
“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that the United Nations doesn’t smell of sulfur anymore. He said that it ‘smells of something else. And I’m looking at you France.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“And there is a new terrorism alert at sporting events. Spectators are being asked to report anything suspicious. For example, if you see a Detroit Lion making a first down, OK, right there, wait a minute.” – Jay Leno
“You know what’s exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called ‘The Good Wife.’ You know what it’s about? It’s about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?” – David Letterman
“Governor Mark Sanford’s wife is publishing a book about the affair. She says the book is big enough to tell her side of the story but still light enough to fling at your husband’s head.” – Jay Leno
“Did you hear about this? Dick Cheney had back surgery. It’s from carrying Bush for eight years.” – David Letterman
“According to a new study out of the University of Chicago, participating in sports can make you smarter. That explains how these college athletes are able to graduate without even going to class.” – Jay Leno
A restaurant in Washington, D.C., has a new sandwich named after Michelle Obama called the ‘Michelle Melt.’ It’s a turkey burger, on a wheat bun with onions, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, mayo – basically, it’s a turkey burger.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The restaurant also created a new sandwich named after Joe Biden. It’s just a hamburger shaped like a foot.” – Jimmy Fallon
