“Next Tuesday — a lot of people talking about this — President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation’s students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama ‘Best President Ever.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great day for President Barack Obama. He’s getting ready for a speech he’s giving to schoolchildren tomorrow. And he said he wants the speech to be at third grade level, so he tested it on Joe Biden.” –Craig Ferguson
“Some Republicans are saying they want Dick Cheney, that’s right, Dick Cheney, to run for president in 2012. Of course, you have to remember that when they said this, Cheney was torturing them.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, you know who’s coming to town next month? Have any idea? Dictator of Libya, Muammar Qaddafi. Thank you, travelocity.com.” – David Letterman
“I’m glad Muammar Qaddafi will be here because for once I won’t be the most hated man in New York City.” – David Letterman
“Qaddafi was going to rent — this is crazy — Joan Rivers’ apartment in Manhattan. But the deal fell through at the last minute. Coincidentally, so did Joan’s face.” – David Letterman
“Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, ‘George W. Bush think tank’ with a straight face.” – Conan O’Brien
“This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden’s latest video repeatedly calls for ‘death to Bobby Brown.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Labor Day is Monday. Labor Day, of course, is the day that we set aside to remember when people used to have jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I want to say happy Labor Day weekend. I hope you have a job to be off from on Monday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Labor day weekend. Remember Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska? She’s having a big cookout for all her family, all of her friends up there in Alaska. And people say, ‘Is she any good? Can she cook?’ Remember last year she cooked John McCain’s goose? Remember that? Tremendous!” – David Letterman
“President Obama is asking Americans to drive safely and not consume too much alcohol this Labor Day weekend. Boy, he really is just like Hitler, isn’t he?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house.” – David Letterman
“Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they’re getting Tina Fey.” – David Letterman
“But the former governor’s getting ready for her trip. She’s reading all the Chinese menus she can get her hands on.” – David Letterman
“She’s going to do her best to promote capitalism while she’s in Hong Kong, and then I guess in the end of the trip, she’ll be riding around in helicopters, shooting pandas.” – David Letterman
“This is interesting. China has started an educational exchange program that’s sending 23 high school students to schools in Detroit. Once in Detroit, the students will exchange cultural ideas, social theories and gunfire.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a big brouhaha going on at the Venice Film Festival, because the guests this year include Michael Moore and the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. That was the guy that called George Bush ‘El Diablo.’ Now, people are saying that the festival shouldn’t have invited that crazy America-hating lunatic, or Hugo Chavez.” – Craig Ferguson
“The economy getting worse. The Department of Labor today announced that unemployment is at a 26-year high of 9.7%, making this the most ironic Labor Day since 1983.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Despite the announcement today that the unemployment hit 9.7%, Joe Biden said that the recovery is more than we had hoped. And when asked to clarify, Biden said, ‘Well, we had hoped that unemployment would only be about 5%, and now it is 9.7%. So, that’s more than we had hoped.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Crazy. There are 15 million unemployed people in America and Michael Vick isn’t one of them.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama will be featured in four health magazines this fall to help promote his healthcare proposal. Obama even wrote an article for one of the magazines. It’s called ‘Smoke Your Way To Sexy Abs.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, there’s a lot of buzz about who is going to replace Diane Sawyer on ‘Good Morning America.’ Sarah Palin has expressed interest. She said, ‘I’d be honored to quit that job.'” – Jimmy Fallon
