Political Irony

“Barack Obama and his family took a vacation on Martha’s vineyard and they’re back. And the President now has asked all of the major networks for some air time tomorrow night to show his vacation photos.” – David Letterman

“But now here’s the deal. When are you a president, you can’t do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He’s not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance.” – David Letterman

“I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards.” – David Letterman

“Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama’s hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s interesting to me that since they’ve been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He’s out there. He’s upset. He’s attacking people. He’s shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says ‘You shouldn’t be looking into the CIA torturing policy.’ He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey.” – David Letterman

“But Cheney says he won’t cooperate with the prisoner abuse program probe. The only way we cooperate is if he tortures himself into talking. And he said, ‘I’m not going to do that.'” – David Letterman

“Cheney accused Obama of setting a ‘terrible precedent.’ That’s what Cheney said, Obama is setting a ‘terrible precedent,’ not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That’s a different deal.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran’s nuclear program. That’s true. Bush also ignored Cheney’s advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, it’s back. You know what I’m talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system.” – David Letterman

“In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, ‘They’re going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'” – Conan O’Brien

“There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. As a matter of fact, Governor Sanford, because of the minor earthquake, was actually knocked on to his wife.” – David Letterman

“And you know, now they’re talking that Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair. And today, he was made an honorary Democrat, so congratulations.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she’ll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she’s thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had the daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen this. Jenna Bush — talk about a great gig — is going to be on the ‘Today’ show. And if there is anything this country needs, it’s more of that family. They can’t get enough.” – David Letterman

“Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the ‘Today’ show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway.” – Craig Ferguson

“Big announcement at NBC. George Bush’s daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the ‘Today’ show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And I just hope she has her father’s facility with words. That would be nice.” – David Letterman

“They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It’s the same schedule her old man had.” – David Letterman