“This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as sunglasses.” – Conan O’Brien
“You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what’s going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there’s now charges of election irregularities. I didn’t see that coming.” – David Letterman
“Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul.” – David Letterman
“But one of the guys on the ballot is a candidate named Abdullah Abdullah. He had what I thought was a great campaign slogan if you’re running for office in Afghanistan. You know the slogan? It’s ‘Is your goat better off today than it was four years ago?'” – David Letterman
“President Obama, I found out about an hour ago, they’re saying, took five books with him on vacation. … Of course, President Bush took five books on his vacation, but four of them were backup copies of ‘Goodnight Moon.'” – Conan O’Brien
“When you’re President of the United States, you don’t get a vacation, you don’t get time off, it’s around the clock, 365 — For example, today, President Obama had to interrupt his vacation to announce the appointment once again of Chairman of the Fed Ben Bernanke. In order to keep him, they promised to give him the 10 p.m. slot.” – David Letterman
“But if you remember, the chairman of the Fed used to be Alan Greenspan, and then in 2006, I think Ben Bernanke replaced him after Greenspan got in trouble for organizing dogfights. Do you remember that?” – David Letterman
“The White House is denying rumors that President Obama has plans to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, although Obama is planning to ask Tiger Woods if the government can borrow $300 trillion.” – Conan O’Brien
