“It’s time for Health Care Town Hall Snaps! You better hope Blue Cross doesn’t consider ‘ugly’ a pre-existing condition! Oh, damn! Your mama’s so dumb, she thinks the public option is a port-a-potty! Your mama’s so old, we’re going to get together a panel and euthanize her. No. Sorry that was too real.” -Jon Stewart (watch the video)
“Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I’m feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night’s show.” -David Letterman
“Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton — 63 years old. And you know, when someone famous like that has a birthday, people think, well, should we get him something? Don’t worry about Bill. He’s fine. He’s doing great. His wife is out of the country most of the time. He couldn’t be happier.” -David Letterman
“Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can’t even get them together in the White House for a beer.” -David Letterman
“Are you despondent and confused about the healthcare issue in this country? Thank God I don’t have to worry about health coverage. I’m with CBS. When I die, I get a guest shot on the ‘Ghost Whisperer.’ But the one drawback — when I get sick, the only doctor I can see is Dr. Phil.” -David Letterman
“I didn’t think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She’s been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren’t many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska.” -David Letterman
“I’d like to apologize for that joke.” -David Letterman
“Squeaky Fromme has been in prison since the ’70s for trying to shoot President Gerald Ford. Out of prison now. But she’s described as an unstable gun nut. Here’s how unstable and nutty she is. Even Dick Cheney won’t go hunting with her.” -David Letterman
