“Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home.” -Bill Maher
“Former President Clinton flew back from North Korea on a private jet accompanied by two beautiful reporters who he rescued from being sent to an all-female prison camp. That’s pretty amazing. Yeah. In other words, after years of wasting his time as president, Clinton has finally found his calling. Isn’t that nice?” – Conan O’Brien
“The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” -Bill Maher
“The White House was reluctant to send Clinton to North Korea and imposed several conditions on the trip. Yep. First condition was that Clinton travel as a private citizen. Second, that he not negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. And third, he stop calling the trip a ‘booty call.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Have you seen what’s going on with these town halls? I don’t want to say they’re out of control. But they’re starting to show them on ESPN. I haven’t seen old white people this upset since they canceled ‘Murder, She Wrote.'” – Bill Maher
“No, I’m serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. … And these people, I’m sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I’ve seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they’re bidding on a tractor.” – Bill Maher
“And now, there’s actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I’m sorry.” -Bill Maher
“I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn’t have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you’re worried about socialism? Oh, Lord.” – Bill Maher
“But Obama’s getting pissed at this. I don’t blame him. He’s getting testy. He said, ‘If I wanted to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged, I’ll ask Joe Biden a yes-or-no question.'” – Bill Maher
“Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill are in Kiawah Island, South Carolina, for a week-long vacation. That’s great. They’re saying it’s the most relaxing vacation Obama’s ever had. And you can tell when Joe Biden’s been to the beach. He comes back with braided hair plugs. It’s really cute.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Despite losing 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5% to 9.4%. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office.” – Jimmy Fallon
“But that small drop’s not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he’s promised to find Paula Abdul a job.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I can’t believe he said this — on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, ‘Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.’ Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been — wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he’s thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen.” -Bill Maher
“Mel Martinez, the Senate’s only Hispanic Republican, announced he’s stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, ‘I’m sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'” – Conan O’Brien
“I thought also the biggest news flash of the week: Sonia Sotomayor is now on the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her. She will be — I thought this was interesting — sworn in on Saturday by Chief Justice John Roberts. And that is progress: a Hispanic woman having a white man come in on Saturday.” – Bill Maher
“This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%.” – Conan O’Brien
