“Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn’t that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists — two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary’s pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, ‘I, too, know what it’s like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies’ sunglasses. I feel your pain.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he’s probably like, ‘Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.’ ‘I can’t do it. I’m completely booked. I have numerous obligations.’ ‘I want you to visit a woman’s prison.’ ‘What time’s my flight?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks.” – Craig Ferguson
“I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“So that’s pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that’s like Rambo, you know. And by the way now — plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And May God help any nation that tries to kidnap Megan Fox!” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I guess it all depends on whether you believe his ‘birth certificate’ or not.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s President Obama’s 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors.” – Conan O’Brien
“I thought this was nice. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, got him a brand new pair of her jeans for his birthday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But what do you get for the man who has Oprah, you know?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House today said that President Obama will not call Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to congratulate him on his re-election. Even worse for Ahmadinejad, Joe Biden will call.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he’s going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in ‘West Side Story.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today — I don’t know if you saw this — he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won’t appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele’s new novel ‘Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The United States Postal Service says they might lose $7 billion this year. Apparently, the post office will lose the seven billion when it mails the money to itself.” – Conan O’Brien
“This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they’re also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And it’s a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
