“President Obama, of course, everyone knows, has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble, because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors.” – Conan O’Brien
“You know about the situation? Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., from Harvard and Sergeant James Crowley, the police officer that cuffed him and tried to drag him out of his house and arrest him. Then later, in a press conference, President Obama said that one of them, I guess the policeman, acted stupidly. Already, there’s trouble right there. So here’s what the President is going to do. Does it make sense? I don’t know. He invited the professor and the cop to come to the White House on Thursday for beer. Alcohol usually cools things off. Have you noticed that? That’s where you want to go.” – David Letterman
“And Joe Biden’s pretty busy. Today he went out to get a keg.” – David Letterman
“But everybody at the White House, excited about the kegger. You know who’s coming? Well, Dick Cheney will be there. Here’s what he’s going to do. He’ll be playing the organ down in his old dungeon.” – David Letterman
“President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley to the White House for a beer this Thursday. It’s all part of Obama’s new approach to diplomacy: How would they handle this on ‘Cheers.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“If it goes well, then President Obama is going to invite Governor and Mrs. Sanford to come up and have a beer.” – David Letterman
“And then in the spirit of this, I thought it was nice today, Rush Limbaugh called up Professor Gates and Officer Crowley and he invited them over for some OxyContin.” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here’s what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, ‘Oh, then go home to Hillary.'” – David Letterman
“There is one thing we know for sure. Barack Obama was not born in the United States, making him constitutionally ineligible to serve as president. You see, I’m a member of the proud ‘birther’ movement — made up of decent, old-fashioned Americans who just want to overturn a democratic election.” – Stephen Colbert
“Some people now are saying — this is true — that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called ‘Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin resigned the other day, and in her final speech — I don’t know if you listened to it — she compared herself to a grizzly bear who will defend its cubs wherever the road may lead. Palin decided to use the grizzly bear metaphor right after she heard it come out of her mouth. Saw it, she liked it, then she shot it.” – Conan O’Brien
“Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. I’m so happy you’re here tonight, because, last night, oh my gosh, we had a rough crowd. I couldn’t get the Blue Dogs to go along. Oh, you see, I didn’t know what that meant either.” – David Letterman
“President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens.” – Conan O’Brien
“Who watched the season finale of ‘The Bachelorette’ last night? It came down to a choice between computer consultant Ed and in a surprise twist, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who gets around.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.” – Conan O’Brien
