“To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama’s going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs.” – Conan O’Brien
“Have you guys heard about this? Henry Louis Gates, the Harvard professor who was arrested while trying to get into his own house? Well, to smooth things over, President Obama has invited Gates and the cop, Sergeant Crowley, to the White House for a beer. How cool is that? Obama is handling the situation like two of his bros got in a fight over a girl or something. They’ll come over. One beer will lead to two. Two will lead to nine. Next thing you know, everyone will forget they were ever mad at each other. They’ll start doing Jaeger shots out of Betsy Ross’ thimble. They’ll make prank phone calls on the Red Phone. Crowley will pass out. They’ll put his hand in warm water and giggle. Then they’ll all wake up in the morning with matching tattoos of ‘Twilight’ star Robert Pattinson. It’s such a great idea.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now here’s the way President Obama likes to do stuff. They had this problem up there at Harvard and the professor, Professor Gates and the cop, the professor, the Officer Crowley, and the professor officer — so there was big trouble. So President Obama says, ‘Why don’t you guys? Here’s what we’ll do. Come to the White House. You guys, we’ll settle our differences. We’ll have a beer. We’ll have a beer.’ And if it works for those guys he’s going to try it with Jon and Kate, and he is going it to try it with the Israelis and Hamas.” – David Letterman
“Big beer fest at the White House. And today, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an emergency goodwill mission for pretzels, so that will be good.” –David Letterman
“But here it is. You have Crowley and you have Gates. And tempers flared. Case of mistaken identity. You have anger. You have accusations. You have name-calling. Sure, let’s add alcohol! Let’s go, let’s pick it up! Why not?” – David Letterman
“You know what they’re saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down.” – David Letterman
“But it’s too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, the ‘Thrilla from Wasilla’ officially passed the reins of power to her lieutenant governor at a picnic in Fairbanks. So that’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom! Pit bulls don’t quit and then try to pretend like their quitting is not really quitting because they are quitting!” – Jon Stewart
“Palin resigned a year-and-a-half before her term ends because she didn’t want Alaska to have a lame-duck governor. Now, she has a book deal presumed to be worth millions. And I cannot wait to read it. I believe on the tenth page, she decides since the book is going to end anyway, to leave the last two hundred pages blank.” – Stephen Colbert
“By the way, when you have 15 months to go in your first term in office, I don’t think that’s lame duck status. I think it’s just — you’re bored.” – Jon Stewart
“Sarah said goodbye, but she’s coming back in the fall in the 10 p.m. slot.” – David Letterman
“It’s a poignant evening. Yesterday, Sarah Palin stepped down as Alaska’s governor. Yeah, I know. I know. The nation mourned the Alaskan way — by committing manslaughter in the lower 48 and then fleeing to the Yukon.” – Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At first, folks, I was devastated. And then I saw the bright side. Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly! In a helicopter, to shoot wolves.” – Stephen Colbert
“Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, ‘Keep it down over there!'” – Conan O’Brien
“Oh, now here is the big fun over the weekend. Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska, stepped down. It was a moving day for Sarah Palin. She went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.” – David Letterman
“In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, ‘I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.'” – Conan O’Brien
“People say, ‘Well, what will the Governor do now?’ And I’ll tell you. She’s going back to her old job as perfume spritzer at Nordstrom.” – David Letterman
“But I thought her remarks were very thoughtful. In her farewell address, she warned people of the military-industrial complex. Sarah Palin says look out for the military-industrial complex. And she also reminded folks that doughnuts make you hippy.” – David Letterman
“And I thought this was only to be expected. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: ‘What’s your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where’s our money?'” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said: ‘Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House … O.K., it was Biden. He was playing around again.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet.” – Conan O’Brien
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” – Craig Ferguson
“Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!” – Craig Ferguson
“He’s all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress.” – Craig Ferguson
