Political Irony

“Did you watch President Obama’s press conference last night? Well, boring. Let me tell you. I know he’s our president so I shouldn’t say this, but if he loves this healthcare proposal so much, why doesn’t he marry it?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Anybody see President Obama’s press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here’s the deal – it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it’s not that bad.” – David Letterman

“President Obama was on TV again last night. And, you know, it’s interesting – political experts are now saying that President Obama is giving so many interviews and appearing on so many television shows that he’s starting to dilute his own message which I think is unfair because I thought Obama was pretty convincing last night on ‘Ice Road Truckers.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Of course, last night, President Obama gave his healthcare speech. It drew almost 20 million viewers. Twenty million viewers! That’s a lot these days. Yeah, these days, the only way you can get 20 million people to tune into the show is to beat Spencer Pratt from MTV’s ‘The Hills’ to death with a naked Megan Fox, the ‘Transformers’ actress.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a woman in Florida, and they arrested her. And she’s in her garage. And you know what she is doing in her garage? She’s pretending she’s a dentist. And she’s making dentures and she has the reclining chair and the drilling equipment and, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Obama health plan.” – David Letterman

“President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, ‘We don’t want it. We don’t need it.”” – David Letterman

“But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn’t look good. Right now, it’s being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They’re called blue because they’re from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny.” – David Letterman

“But Osama’s favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was – no, he wasn’t too bright.'” – David Letterman

“North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You’ve got to love North Korea. They’re a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they’re the best.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?” – Conan O’Brien

“This is historic, this is huge in the world of politics. I don’t know if you remember a couple of years ago we had that presidential election. And John McCain was running. And he needed a date for the ticket. So he got a hold of the governor of Alaska. And they ran. They didn’t win but they ran. And now the governor of Alaska decided that she’s quitting. So on Sunday, she’s leaving office. And she will officially hand over her sash and her crown to her successor.” – David Letterman

“And you know, there’s some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don’t know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let’s just say that she robbed a gas station.” – David Letterman

“She’s stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor’s mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial.” – David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourself. Sunday is going to be an emotional day. It’s her last day. She’s going to go out on to the porch and wave goodbye to Russia. So it’s a big weekend.” – David Letterman