“President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That’s right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict.” – Conan O’Brien
“I don’t know if you’re following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. … Or, as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Of course, the President’s in Africa now. This is a big story. CNN’s Anderson Cooper landed an exclusive interview with President Obama in Ghana. … So now, Obama’s challenge will be to somehow pick Anderson Cooper out of a crowd of Africans.” – Conan O’Brien
“You folks worried about North Korea? … Everybody is getting paranoid about North — I took Mom to see the fireworks and every time they set off a big one, she’d scream, ‘It’s North Korea!'” – David Letterman
“It’s frightening times, when you think about it, with all these dictators. And they are all smallish. They’re all on the small side. Kim Jong-Il, tiny guy. Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg, tiny guy.” – David Letterman
“But anyway, over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles. And it was their way of saying: ‘Iran’s not the craziest country. We are the craziest country, so get ready.'” – David Letterman
“Bristol Palin’s former fiance, Levi Johnston, told the press that he thinks Sarah Palin stepped down as governor so she could cash in on fame. Levi made this accusation while hosting a party in the Hamptons for Tommy Bahama dark rum.” – Conan O’Brien
“I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, ‘Are you gonna finish that?'” – David Letterman
“Good news for GM today. They emerged from bankruptcy and the newly appointed CEO said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing this, GM employees said, ‘You can tell this guy’s new around here.'” – Conan O’Brien
“But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, ‘Thank goodness for coke dealers.'” – Conan O’Brien
“You know anything about — we had a guy in town, he’s gone away to jail now for 150 years — Bernie Madoff? And now the U.S. government has started trying to find out about his wife, who had, like, $87 million. And she kept saying, now this is not money that Bernie swiped. This is not — this is not money that he swindled. This is not swindling money. You see, this is money I saved by switching to Geico. They said, ‘What?! That’s — how is that possible lady?'” – David Letterman
“So they took all of that money and she’s down to $2.5 million. But I was thinking, you know, with that and her Social Security and the $10 billion she has hidden in the Cayman Islands, well, she should be all right.” – David Letterman
“But Ruth Madoff says she had no idea what Bernie was up to. And I thought, well, what a coincidence, neither did the SEC.” – David Letterman
“But Ruth — listen to this — Ruth lost her house. Ruth lost her house, lost her car; has lost her savings. I mean, I’m telling you, it’s like being a Bernie Madoff client.” – David Letterman
