“Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush — the other way around.” – David Letterman
“A lot of entertainers are getting into politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska.” – David Letterman
“Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can’t wait to start reading Palin’s memoirs and then quit halfway through.” – Conan O’Brien
“I want to say something here, and it’s kind of a sensitive area. There was a press conference, and Sarah Palin announced she is stepping down. … Then the next day, there was footage of her she went fishing. Is it just me, or is anybody else here having naughty thoughts about Sarah Palin in those waders? All right. I’m just apologize for that right now. … In fact, she looked so great, Russia was watching her.” – David Letterman
“In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we’re at 17.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he’s going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it’s Martha Stewart.” – David Letterman
“But good news for Madoff’s wife, Ruth. They returned her passport. She has her passport back. Earlier, she flew off to Argentina with Governor Sanford.” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our ‘great allies.’ He went on to say, ‘Except, of course, for any time we’ve ever been to war.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is at one of the G-8 summits in Italy. Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, who ran for president against Obama, is in Arizona, heating up a can of Chef Boyardee.” – David Letterman
“This is what is on the agenda over there in Italy for the G-8 leaders. Financial crisis, global financial crisis. World poverty. Climate change. Giant transforming robots.” – David Letterman
“But the G-8 summit in Italy is being hosted by Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Italy. And the meeting went pretty well. He was only interrupted once by his wife accusing him of adultery.” – David Letterman
“Senator John McCain says he’s been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he’s been Twittering on his garage door opener.” – Conan O’Brien
“I know we got a lot of people here from out of town, and I hate to bring bad news to you, because I know it’s your vacation, a lot of people are here on vacation. And New York City, because of all the rain — it’s really nobody’s fault — we got a mosquito problem. So, the good news is the blood suckers are no longer just on Wall Street.” – David Letterman
“This is weird. It’s been reported that Saddam Hussein’s gun will be on display in George W. Bush’s presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book.” – Conan O’Brien
“Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here’s what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole.” – David Letterman
“But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn’t look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read ‘Kim Jong Il Ill.'” – David Letterman
“North Korea has gone nuts. I don’t know what is going on over there. There was a huge computer attack. Was your computer okay? We had a big computer attack from — they don’t know what happened. They shut down the U.S. Treasury Department website. Man! I was stunned. I said, ‘Whoa! The U.S. still has a Treasury Department?'” – David Letterman
