“The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we’re going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman.” – Bill Maher
“Today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there’s no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross.” – Jimmy Fallon
“No, it’s sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that’s propped up by oil, that’s led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska.” – Bill Maher
“The Iranian government is trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That’s the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election ‘an absolute victory.’ That’s what he said. Yep. Yeah, then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship.” – Conan O’Brien
“The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist.” – Bill Maher
“Don’t you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that’s how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they’re dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service.” – Bill Maher
“This is weird. The state of New Hampshire is projecting an additional $55 million in revenue, now that they’ve legalized gay marriage. Yeah, as a result, the state motto has been changed from ‘Live Free or Die’ to ‘These Blueberry Scones are to Die For.'” – Conan O’Brien
“This is all very ironic, because this is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama, because he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a ball with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, we are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected. He said, well that’s almost like being married.” – Bill Maher
“Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He’s the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He’s a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta.” – Bill Maher
“He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that’s okay, that’s all good.” – Bill Maher
“They said his chief of staff, the guy who’s wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That’s a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? ‘Look, senator, I’m upside-down on my mortgage, you’ve been upside down on my wife…'” – Bill Maher
“President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. That’s cool. Yeah. And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.” – Conan O’Brien
“And finally, I’m saving the big story for last. Have you heard this? We are preparing for a big high seas showdown with North Korea. You heard that? They may be transporting nukes. We’re going to intercept their ships. It’s going to be fun stuff! That’s right, we’re going to be intercepting their ships. The winner of the round meets the Somali pirates. And the loser has to fight the Carnival cruise line.” – Bill Maher
“On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow, so yesterday, she worked from home. Mm-hmm. Yeah, which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words ‘Help Me’ with garden gnomes.” – Conan O’Brien
“And I think what’s interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I’m not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?” – Bill Maher
“In other news, the world’s oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans.” – Bill Maher
