“Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they’re demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They’ve gone crazy.” – David Letterman
“A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob.” – Conan O’Brien
“It has been reported that Twitter usage … is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it’s hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch.” – Conan O’Brien
“And the Iranian government denies that there are crowds of protesters in the street. They’re out there, like 100,000 people in the streets of Iran protesting. But the government denies that protests are going on. They say it’s just citizens enjoying their new pedestrian mall.” – David Letterman
“Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they’re actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks.” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, here’s more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain.” – David Letterman
“So now they’re going through the recount. They’re recounting the ballots cast in the Iranian election, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman.” – David Letterman
“It’s illegal for rallies or demonstrations in Iran. But yet you turn on the news, and you see hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting, and the government says: ‘No, no, no. That’s not a public protest. Those are just people lining up to see ‘The Hangover.” – David Letterman
“Here’s the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he’s got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader.” – David Letterman
“People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.” – Conan O’Brien
“John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he’s buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn’t use a computer. Now he’s on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What’s going on? I think he’s like Benjamin Button. He’ll be a cute little baby.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, our old friend John McCain — and I think we should all follow this man’s example — bought a hybrid car. It’s not his first hybrid car. His first one was actually a horse and buggy.” – David Letterman
“Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yeah, it’s a hybrid car. I hear this one runs on gasoline and Metamucil.” – David Letterman
“General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, ‘It’s a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM” – Conan O’Brien
“President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately. He was all over NBC the week before last. Next week, he’s doing a two-hour, primetime town hall here on ABC. But if we didn’t want our President on TV all the time, maybe we shouldn’t have elected Oprah’s boyfriend.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama hard at work on the health-care situation. His new health-care bill proposal is so expensive, though, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic, it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three.” – Conan O’Brien
“But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantánamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me.” – David Letterman
“Don’t kid yourself. You’re thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It’s a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room.” – David Letterman
“This is a crazy story. Fidel Castro, the former Cuban dictator, has a son named Antonio. That’s not the crazy part. The crazy part — for eight months, Antonio Castro carried on an online affair with what he thought was a beautiful Colombian woman. That woman turned out to be a man, a Cuban activist who lives in Miami. It’s especially fun because the Internet is difficult to access in Cuba. To get online in Cuba, you know, you have to give — I think you have to give five fish to a guy who has ColecoVision hooked up to a 1958 Impala.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trouble here in New York City with Canada geese. And because they pose a threat to air travel in New York New York City is now at war with Canada geese. And Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He is so serious, he’s bringing in Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman
