Political Irony

“It’s been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They’re going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China.” – Conan O’Brien

“Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it’s due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain.” – Conan O’Brien

“Welcome to the ‘Late Show.’ I’m Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor.” – David Letterman

“Honestly, how many of you are only here tonight hoping that I’ll offend somebody else?” – David Letterman

“Here’s good news for visitors. Times Square, have you been down to Times Square? It’s now — well, it’s now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. And if you don’t get one of those beach chairs, well, I’ll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can relax on that.” – David Letterman

“You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It’s right there. It’s kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front ’til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. – David Letterman

“Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers.” – Conan O’Brien

“How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It’s compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn’t resist his good looks and charisma.” – David Letterman

“Well, the results from Iran’s presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn’t work, he’s planning on making a documentary about global warming.” – Jimmy Fallon

“But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.” – David Letterman

“President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They’re now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?” – Conan O’Brien

“But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.” – David Letterman

“But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air.” – David Letterman

“Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere — in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida.” – Craig Ferguson

“And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida.” – David Letterman

“Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That’s like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I’m not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, ‘Oh, they’re good.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don’t know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that’s me.” – David Letterman

“In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey.” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden said something interesting in an interview, just this weekend. Vice President Joe Biden said he still has his eye on the presidency, which is weird since the question was, ‘How do you take your coffee?'” – Conan O’Brien