“Television, tonight, has finally gone completely digital in the United States of America … Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes will still be flying over Sarah Palin’s head.” – Bill Maher
“Tonight’s the night of the big television digital switchover. According to some estimates, when the analog signal is cut off and switched to digital tonight, nearly 1 million people could be left without TV service,’ which ‘means NBC could lose dozens of viewers.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is the day, the big digital changeover. Are you ready for this? Do you know what it means? Nah, I don’t either. You gotta change over to a digital thing for your TV and everybody is getting ready down in Washington. Dick Cheney, as a matter of fact, hooked up a converter to his pacemaker.” – David Letterman
“Our friend David Letterman made a harmless joke about Bristol Palin and everyone went nuts. Please, she’s a grown girl. She can take care of herself. … Not that the Republicans don’t every week have a case of fake outrage, but this was especially ridiculous this week. Dave Letterman then invited Sarah Palin and her daughter onto the show, the young one, Willow. And Sarah Palin said, it would be wise to keep Willow away from him. That’s right … I’d worry a little more about the 18-year-old hockey players who knock up your daughters regularly.” – Bill Maher
“David Letterman is from Indiana. This is not in his DNA to make a joke like this. In fact, the only bright side to this is that finally, there’s a comedian under fire for inappropriate remarks and it’s not me.” – Bill Maher
“The country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century.” – Conan O’Brien
“They had elections today in Iran. Apparently it’s still too close to call. They say if the vote is still close by tomorrow, there will be a runoff election next week, and then the usual series of lawsuits from Norm Coleman.” – Bill Maher
“It’s a little different over there when they have an election in Iran, because the women, they get to vote over there. Unlike our ally Saudi Arabia. But in Iran, the women get to vote and it’s great, because they’re already wearing the booth.” – Bill Maher
“They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they’ve been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they’re resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda.” – Bill Maher
“I guess there was some good news for Detroit. That’s a tough city going through tough times. But the deal between Chrysler and Fiat went through this week. There is now going to be a Chrysler-Fiat. All the reliability of a Fiat, combined with the youthful appeal of a Chrysler. Even Oprah couldn’t give this sh*t away” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday, President Obama wrote a note for a fourth grade girl who skipped school so she could attend his town hall meeting. I don’t see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes to fourth graders, too. He just called them speeches.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, ‘Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.'” – Conan O’Brien
