“A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican’s angry, and so is everyone at his country club.” – Conan O’Brien
“Karl Rove called Maureen Dowd of The New York Times a ‘bitter, twisted, deranged columnist’ and a ‘dour, downbeat liberal’ and – more – a ‘nasty, snarky person.’ Hey, get a room.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, it’s been a busy week here on the late show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. And I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything’s fine now. I think everything’s going to be great because she called today and offered to take me hunting.” – David Letterman
“Boy, here’s a story that won’t go away. Miss California – remember Miss California? Got herself in a lot of trouble, shooting her mouth off. Gee, I wonder what that’s like.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, the controversial Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who famously opposed gay marriage, was stripped of her title. Not only that, her chances of becoming Miss San Francisco are really looking slim.” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, now, Miss California’s been fired. Don’t worry. President Obama said he will announce a replacement within a week, so that will be good.” – David Letterman
“Some controversy today surrounding Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She’s the one who said she was against same-sex marriage. Some wanted her to be stripped of her title because of it, but Donald Trump, who owns the pageant, said no, she’s entitled to her opinion and she’ll remain Miss California. Well, today he fired her, which is what he does, I guess. My money says she’s a Fox News anchor by the … by now. By right now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian workers. Fiat says they got the idea from the Olive Garden.” – Conan O’Brien
“Here’s big news from the world of TV. And I don’t know if you guys are ready for this or not. If you have an old TV, tomorrow, it won’t work unless you digitalize it. You’ve got to get a converter thing and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain wanted to know after the conversion, will his TV dinner still work.” – David Letterman
“Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress? When did that happen?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Iran is bracing itself for their upcoming presidential election. President Ahmadinejad is behind in the polls. I think it’s because of his campaign slogan, ‘Vote for me, and I won’t cut off your hand.'” – Craig Ferguson
“You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well this guy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? This guy looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don’t need. You know what I mean?” – David Letterman
“He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a Members Only jacket.” – David Letterman
“He looks like one of those guys they drag away every week on ‘Dateline’, you know what I mean?” – David Letterman
“Politics is very similar over there as here. Ahmadinejad says if he’s elected, he’ll bail out the camel industry.” – Craig Ferguson
“Big science news. A new element will be added to the periodic table. It’s the heaviest element in the table. It’s called ununbium, which is Latin for ‘thigh of Rush Limbaugh.'” – Jimmy Fallon
