Political Irony

“There was a big storm down in the Washington, D.C., area, and it toppled a tree. A giant, ancient tree toppled over. This is how crazy things are. When the tree toppled over, somebody contacted former Vice President Dick Cheney, and he said: ‘See, well, there it goes. It proves that President Obama is soft on weather.'” – David Letterman

“But here’s what happens. The grounds crew chop it up and then grind it up and use it for mulch. And I was thinking, you know, you can do the same thing with your General Motors stock.” – David Letterman

“Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I’m not sure about his business plan. He’s giving away free cars on nights and weekends. I think that’s a bad idea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview, the new chairman actually said, ‘I don’t know anything about cars.’ I respect that. He’s keeping up the GM tradition.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Chrysler was taken over by Fiat and the new CEO said, this is a quote, ‘Going forward we intend to build on Chrysler’s culture of innovation.’ Yeah. Yeah, then he laughed for three straight hours.” – Conan O’Brien

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to The Late Show, a division of Fiat.” – David Letterman

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because ? I’ll tell you why – the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me ‘pathetic.’ Yup, that’s right. Honestly, I haven’t been called pathetic – well, since the honeymoon, actually.” – David Letterman

“I won’t kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the Governor was mad at me and called me ‘pathetic.’ To cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes, and I feel better now.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s in the news, of course. He’s put health care back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that’s both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they’ll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use.” – Conan O’Brien

“Folks been following the elections in Iran? I know you have. Anyway, President Ahmadinejad is in a tight race, but today, he got great news for the campaign – he was endorsed by Mel Gibson.” – David Letterman

“Kim Jong-Il said that if provoked, North Korea would not hesitate to use its nuclear weapons in a ‘merciless offensive.’ Well, I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat little weirdo. Ooh, women’s glasses.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As you all know, two U.S. reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea, and now, President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. Yeah. Yeah, and after hearing the Al Gore threat, North Korea gave up the reporters and their nuclear program.” – Conan O’Brien

“Listen to this – listen to how the power of the world is changing. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny — because these guys are all petite guys — the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, Tom Cruise. Is that right?” – David Letterman

“There is an agency now that keeps track of this kind of stuff, and I think it’s fascinating. Do you like the presidential minutia? I love it. I can’t get enough of it. And according to this tracking agency, President Obama invokes the name Jesus Christ more frequently now than did George W. Bush for the same amount of time in his Presidency. I never really noticed it but I’ll bet it’s true, because if you think about it, Obama is always saying, Jesus! Why did I run for president?” – David Letterman

“This is weird. Former President George H.W. Bush is going to celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. Yup. And his son, George W. Bush, is going to celebrate his father’s birthday the way he always does, giving him a World’s Greatest Dad mug and making him a macaroni necklace.” – Conan O’Brien