Political Irony

“Rush Limbaugh is in the news. Last week, Rush Limbaugh said that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was a racist. But this week, Rush says he may support her. Yeah. Limbaugh says that he can’t support Sotomayor until he’s 100% sure she’s a racist.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rush Limbaugh, you know Rush Limbaugh? The new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh. He says now, listen to this, he says now that he might support Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Yes, depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on.” – David Letterman

“Limbaugh is not sure about that endorsement. However, he does wholeheartedly endorse the baby-back ribs at Chili’s.” – David Letterman

“John McCain said he may not endorse Sonia Sotomayor. He said he may not endorse her for the Supreme Court. And then he floated away in his house. It’s just fun to say.” – David Letterman

“Tuesday, NBC’s news special, ‘Inside the Obama White House,’ was watched by 9 million people. Historians say it was the most revealing look behind the scenes at the White House since Bill Clinton set up a secret webcam.” – Conan O’Brien

“By the way, I think this is good news. The CIA announced that they have a new lead on Osama bin Laden. They think that he’s been hiding out in the $2,500 dollar seats at Yankee Stadium. They think that’s where he is.” – David Letterman

“There’s a new Osama bin Laden tape. You know, leave us alone — is that what you are thinking? No, a new tape. And on the tape, a videotape, it’s awful. He’s drunk in the cave, Osama bin Laden, eating a cheeseburger off the floor.” – David Letterman

“This week, American President Barack Obama … embarked on a diplomatic mission to the Middle East to fulfill a promise made two years ago, that if he were elected president, he would deliver a major address in a Muslim capital. Of course, most people forget he also promised if he were not elected, he would run naked through a Chuck E. Cheese.” – Jon Stewart

“President Obama is in Germany right now, but he was in the Middle East before that. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with Obama and gave him a large, shiny medallion on a thick, gold chain. Obama said, ‘Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flavor Flav.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn’t gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama right now is in Saudi Arabia. And he gave a speech, a powerful speech today on television. And it preempted Al Jazeera, the network over there, the TV network over there. It preempted Al Jazeera’s number one show, ‘How I Met Your Mullah.'” – David Letterman

“Iranian and some Palestinian officials dismissed his speech as all talk, which — I mean, it was a speech. Do you want magic tricks?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But President Obama was in Egypt today addressing the Muslim world from Cairo University. Reaction to his speech was mixed. After it, some said, ‘Death to America,’ others said, ‘Die, American dogs.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what’s the deal on that guy. He’s a little squirrelly, right? Am I right? And he’s going to step down. He’s no longer going to be running North Korea. He’s turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il.” – David Letterman

“North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il, is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. Yeah. Kim Jong-Un says he’s excited but realizes he’s got some awfully big women’s sunglasses to fill. They’re like the windshield from a Toyota.” – Conan O’Brien

“Have you noticed all of the dictators are stepping down? Castro stepping down. Kim Jong-Il. Dick Cheney. They’re all taking a break.” – David Letterman

“I think Dick Cheney is getting a little wacky, because earlier today, he came out in favor of same-sex waterboarding. Dick, are you all right? Are you okay, Dick?” – David Letterman

“The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible — it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, ‘Nothing Happened Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s NBA Finals night. Game one, at long last. The Lakers and Magic did battle tonight at the Staples Center. President Obama is said to be monitoring the situation very closely. He’s calling on both sides to show restraint and work towards peace.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS says that John Kerry’s 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face.” – Jimmy Fallon