“So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? . Excellent question for the American-born judge.” – Jon Stewart
“Now, folks, I’ve said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn’t a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media.” – Stephen Colbert
“Sotomayor brings up the most despicable discrimination against white males out there, that we have no life stories! Sure, Obama’s life story shaped him. Same goes for Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. And now everyone’s saying it about Sonia Sotomayor. Notice how no one ever talks about the unique journey of a white male like Mitt Romney! You don’t think his judgment and empathy were forged by long, hard days working at his family’s mayonnaise farm?” – Stephen Colbert
“Plus, if we conservatives try to stand up to this reverse racism, we’re going to lose crucial Latino votes, just as GOP leaders were beginning their outreach to Hispanics! Many have even asked their gardener what his name is!” – Stephen Colbert
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ‘The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien.’ Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I’ve timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I’m on a last place network, I moved to a state that’s bankrupt, and ‘The Tonight Show’ is sponsored by General Motors.” – Conan O’Brien
“Beautiful day here in New York City, am I right? So nice today that General Motors sold a convertible.” – David Letterman
“It was so sunny today, that GM executives came out of bankruptcy court squinting.” – David Letterman
“I want to congratulate General Motors’ newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it’s not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first.” – Jimmy Fallon
“General Motors filed for bankruptcy. Said they owe $175 billion, filed for bankruptcy. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You know what it means, GM filing for bankruptcy? I’ll tell you what it means. It means another enormous bonus for their CEO That’s what it means.” – David Letterman
“Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers’ money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America’s brother-in-law. You know what I mean?” -David Letterman
“Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it.” – Craig Ferguson
“There’s also the good news that today, Dick Cheney received a marriage proposal from Senator Larry Craig.” – Craig Ferguson
“Were you aware of this, ladies and gentlemen, folks visiting from out of town? New York City is now presidential date U.S.A. Huh? Yeah. Over the weekend, the Obamas, Barack and his wife, Michelle, visited New York City, went to a show, then they had dinner at a restaurant down in the Village. And kind of an embarrassing moment. Did you read about this? At one point, the Secret Service — and these guys are really jumpy, you know? They can’t relax for a second. And it was very embarrassing. They jump up, they run to the table, and they wrestle a pepper grinder to the floor. Did you hear about that?” – David Letterman
“And then talk about another awkward moment. Barack Obama, the President, decides he’s going to pick up a baby and kiss it. And it turned out, guess what? It was Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman
“President Obama and his wife, Michelle, had a date night Saturday and they flew here to New York to see a Broadway play. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia stayed home and watched ‘High School Musical 3’ with Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon
“But the highlight of the big weekend date for Michelle Obama, at the end of the day, she got to plant a vegetable garden in Donald Trump’s hair.” – David Letterman
“But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: ‘You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.’ And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, ‘That’s about right.'” – David Letterman
