“Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney’s speech was more of a how-to discussion.” – Jay Leno
“How about that Dick Cheney. I mean talk about a guy who’s gone crazy, you know? Talk about a bearcat, a bulldog. I mean, he’s — he gave a big speech today on terror in the United States and how the Obama Administration better be careful, they don’t want to go soft on terror. And the speech was, I don’t know, I guess it was well-received. And Cheney was so excited, at the end of the speech he goes out into the lobby and he waterboarded folks.” – David Letterman
“In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn’t regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But the speech went over pretty well. I mean, Cheney was interrupted five times by applause and 50 times by people screaming, ‘Stop! I’ll tell you everything! What do you want to know? Just stop, please! Don’t go on!'” – David Letterman
“Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he’s like Regis, all over the place. He’s been making so many speeches lately I’m starting to think he’s not really dead.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new poll, Dick Cheney’s approval rating is up eight points since leaving office. Wow, I can’t believe Cheney’s approval rating is eight percent. That’s amazing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday.” – Bill Maher
“I tell you, the economy’s in bad shape. Oh, the economy’s hurting; economy is so bad, Joe Biden was outside the White House, selling maps to politicians’ secret locations.” – Jay Leno
“Economy’s so bad, I saw an illegal immigrant deport himself. That’s how bad it’s gotten.” – Jay Leno
“Well, here is a shocking statistic. This is shocking. One in four Americans admit to texting while driving. The other three are illegal immigrants who are texting while driving.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t know if you folks have been following this, but you know at NASA how they’ve got the shuttle and periodically they take it up into space. They got a call from the Hubble Space Telescope people, who said, ‘The thing is busted. Can you send a crew up there?’ So they go up there, and it’s all fixed. The Hubble Space Telescope is fixed. And now, when they finished up, they put a sticker on the telescope that says, ‘Objects may be closer than they appear.'” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress.” – Jay Leno
“The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s to-do list, 500 people long.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hey, did you know we had another earthquake the other night? You know, California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government.” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama’s on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night, and then — oh, it’s so cute — Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A bankruptcy judge has denied a Chapter 11 proposal submitted by former NFL star, Michael Vick, after he filed a bankruptcy plan that allowed him to keep three cars and two houses. The judge argued you can’t keep three cars and two houses if you’re really bankrupt. And several AIG executives said, ‘Oh, yeah?'” – Jay Leno
“It turns out Larry King has a son he didn’t know he had, Larry King Jr. … That’s right. Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom.” – David Letterman
