Political Irony

“According to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That’s almost half.” – Jay Leno

“And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America’s official language, 85 percent of the people said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno

“Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It’s kind of like ‘American Idol’ except one of them got voted off months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I had the most frustrating night the other night. I watched the season finale of ’24’ with Nancy Pelosi. You know, she couldn’t remember the first 23 hours. Didn’t remember any of the torture — none of it!” – Jay Leno

“Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He’s going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state’s economy. Isn’t that amazing? In fact, it’s been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain.” – Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it ‘Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'” – Jay Leno

“And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I’ll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius.” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine.” – Jay Leno

“The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy yesterday. His bail was set at 100 doubloons.” – Jimmy Fallon