Political Irony

“Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, the New York State Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the State Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m very excited about this. John McCain’s 97-year-old mom is on the show tonight. Here’s the amazing part. She is 97, and somehow John is actually five years older than she is.” – Jay Leno

“I don’t know how that works. In fact, John is so old, she is back to cutting up his meat into little pieces again.” – Jay Leno

“Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it’s titled, ‘The Book to Nowhere.'” – David Letterman

“But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she’s not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that’s right.” – David Letterman

“Drug officials are saying that because of the bad economy, the international cocaine market is suffering. It’s not just affecting cocaine. It’s trickling down. Today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his campaign slogan is ‘Change We Can Breathe In.'” – Jay Leno

“You know what they’re doing right now, while we’re down here enjoying some fine American comedy? The astronauts got in the shuttle, and they went up and they’re tightening up the Hubble Space Telescope, doing some repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. And the mission is going great. Earlier today, they buzzed the statue of Liberty.” – David Letterman

“But the telescope has photographed landmarks on the planet. And it’s fantastic because it’s way up in space, and they’re looking at ancient landmarks. They took a picture of the ancient pyramids — fantastic. Also the Roman Coliseum, beautiful from space. Great Wall of China. They took a picture of Regis.” – David Letterman

“Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn’t make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry.” – Craig Ferguson

“It’s groundbreaking to have a poetry slam. It’s never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. ‘There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Anybody graduating from high school or college right now? The NYU graduation speaker is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit. You ought to see her in a robe.” – David Letterman

“And she told the grads, ‘Work hard. Save your money. And one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game.’ That’s what Hillary Clinton said.” – David Letterman

“What a good crowd, boy! It’s obvious you folks don’t have money in the stock market. Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California’s top.” – Jay Leno

“Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they’re embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead.” – Jay Leno

“Well, here’s what I’ve heard from Washington. The Republicans are downhearted. They’re disenchanted and they’re worried now, the Republicans, because they’re out of office, they’re out of power. The Republicans are worried that the image of the Republican Party is downbeat and angry. And I was thinking, well if you ask me, honestly, all the fun went out of the Republican Party when Arlen Specter left. Are you like me, do you kind of feel, all right, the party’s over!” – David Letterman

“Yeah, so the Republicans are angry. And I was thinking, well you know, the time to get angry might have been eight years ago, but that didn’t happen.” – David Letterman

“I’ll tell you how bad the economy is — today I saw a Republican driving a Prius.” – Jay Leno