“President Obama did a great job delivering jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. In fact, NBC is trying to sign him now for the 9 p.m. slot.” – Jay Leno
“After the dinner, President Obama was all excited and stuff, so he head-butted Rush Limbaugh.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents’ dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?” – David Letterman
“The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn’t that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it? ‘Hey, nobody’s buying our product. Let’s raise the price.'” – Jay Leno
“Anybody ever mail anything any more? Well, the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. Pretty soon, it will actually be cheaper and easier to just put a little glue on a dollar bill and stick it to an envelope.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse, New York, where he said his dog is smarter than President Obama’s dog. Actually, the dog is smarter than Biden, because it at least knows when not to speak.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s national security advisor says he just doesn’t know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. Same thing with Larry King — we don’t know.” – David Letterman
“Yeah, they don’t know if bin Laden is dead or alive. I was thinking, hell, our last president didn’t know if Lincoln was dead or alive, either. What are you going to do?” – David Letterman
“Hey, how about this? State officials warned today California could be broke by July, which is great because most people thought we were already broke.” – Jay Leno
“How could California be broke by July? What happened to all the money we gave them on April 15th?” – Jay Leno
“Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader.” – Jay Leno
“What a scandal we’ve had brewing here in the Golden State. You’re not going to believe this, but Miss California, a beauty contestant, posed for naked pictures. Her fate was decided by Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant. Trump says Miss California can keep her crown. Actually, her trouble started when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. And after noting that even President Obama does not support same-sex marriage, Trump pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — ‘Yes, we cannabis.'” – Jay Leno
“And the National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober?” – Jay Leno
“You all have a happy Mother’s Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, ‘Of all the women I have children with, I’m going to spend today with you.'” – Jay Leno
“John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, Elizabeth’s book ‘Resilience’ hit the stands today. But John Edwards also has a new book out. It is called ‘Cheating for Dummies.'” – Jay Leno
