Republicans
“Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture.” – Bill Maher
“I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners.” – Bill Maher
“Joe the plumber said at first he was flattered the Republicans were asking him for advice, and then one day, he remembered, he’s a moron.” – Bill Maher
“It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party’s younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works.” – Bill Maher
Democrats
“Louis Caldera, the White House aide who authorized the controversial photograph of Air Force One over lower Manhattan, resigned on Friday. May I suggest that they replace him with Photoshop?” – Seth Meyers
“The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn’t that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week at the White House, during the Cinco de Mayo celebration, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish. And then Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all.” – Jay Leno
“Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry — I think they were stoned — they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here.” – Bill Maher
“A lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn’t had the best of luck with ministers.” – Jay Leno
Gay Marriage
“On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It’s the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced a line of assless duck-waders.” – Seth Meyers
“Gay marriage is now legal in five states. This is not one of them, so hold your breath. It’s pretty much anywhere in New England now you can be as gay as you want to be. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but L.L. Bean now is selling assless chinos.” – Bill Maher
Swine Flu
“Don’t start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener.” – Bill Maher
“But in Mexico, they are still taking precautions. The sex show, in Tijuana? The donkey now wears a condom.” – Bill Maher
“Health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. It combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. They’re calling it the turducken of infectious diseases.” – Jimmy Fallon
“What a panicky nation this is. In one week, we went from the hell pox to, now, the Center for Disease Control is having to warn people not to have swine flu parties. I swear to God, people were having swine flu parties, where they would infect each other on purpose, to build up the immunity.” – Bill Maher
John Edwards
“You did hear about John Edwards, didn’t you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on ‘Oprah’ this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them.” – Bill Maher
“She told Oprah, he’s a really good man who did a very bad thing. But if you take that one thing out of it, we had a perfect marriage. It sounds to me like she’s trying to get America to forgive John, because Lord knows she ain’t!” – Bill Maher
“Elizabeth Edwards attacked her husband’s mistress. Somehow, John Edwards convinced his wife it was the mistress’ fault, and she seduced him. Guys, let me tell you something: don’t try this with your wife, okay? John Edwards is a politician and a trial lawyer. That means he is a professional liar. He knows how to do this. You cannot get away with this. It will not work for you.” – Jay Leno
“John Edwards said yesterday he feels that he and his wife are getting to a better place. Yeah. Actually, she is getting to a better place. He is looking for a smaller place. Two-bedroom, furnished, off-street parking, nothing fancy.” – Jay Leno
Everything Else
“In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. Yes. He is calling his program ‘Weed the People.'” – Jay Leno
“Pope Benedict on Friday began his first trip to the Middle East, in hopes that the Catholic church can play a role in the region’s peace process. And because it’s the Middle East, he traveled in the official pope mobile inside another pope mobile.” – Seth Meyers
