“Today, President Barack Obama promised to ‘detect and pursue’ American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.” – Jay Leno
“Are you aware of the fact that President Obama’s mother-in-law is living in the White House? And the woman has really taken to it. She says she loves living in the White House. But there was some trouble today when she took Air Force One on another flight over New York.” – David Letterman
“The White House says they will not be releasing the photos that the Air Force One plane recently took of the landmarks of New York City. I don’t know what they were doing. They were putting together a brochure, but the White House now says they won’t release the photos. Is it just me or is Obama bushing it up a little bit on this one?” – David Letterman
“And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno
“And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he’s working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English.” – David Letterman
“President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it’s the White House itself that makes people dumb.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But it’s nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that.” – David Letterman
“And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he’s going to retire next month. Why’s he retiring? I mean, he’s a senior citizen. What’s he going to do? He’s going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job.” – Jay Leno
“Souter is stepping down because he said he wants to spend more time judging his family.” – David Letterman
“President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That’s fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn’t it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?” – Craig Ferguson
“Actually, listen to this. Here is some good gossip. I got this off the hotline from Washington. As a replacement for Judge Souter, they say President Obama is looking for a woman, and the rumor is Hillary Clinton is on the short list. Yeah. That’s got to be Bill’s worst nightmare, huh? A woman who can rule on the death penalty.” – Jay Leno
“Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter’s replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes.” – David Letterman
“Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There’s only one other job in Washington that’s a job for life. That’s on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that’s 24/7. That’s very hectic.” – Jay Leno
“The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012.” – Jay Leno
“In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, ‘The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,’ or as John Edwards calls it, ‘a horror film.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, former presidential candidate John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny.” – Jay Leno
“No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action.” – Jay Leno
“Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn’t spend it on — condoms!” – Jay Leno
“The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs.” – Jay Leno
“Oh, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead.” – Jay Leno
“Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That’s how bad’ the economy is.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She’s considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That’s kind of a lateral move, isn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world’s most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It’s weird, isn’t it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It’s like me and George Clooney.” – Jimmy Fallon
