Political Irony

“I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out because I made a big mistake. It was so stupid. I took all of my money out of the stock market and put it in a chain of HoneyBaked Ham stores in Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it’s possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it’s also very frugal.” – Jay Leno

“In the latest swine flu update, the Mexican government has told its citizens to stay home, to which Lou Dobbs said, ‘I’ve been telling them that for years!'” – Jay Leno

“And up in Canada, Canadian officials are saying that a herd of pigs caught the swine flu from a human. They said the human involved is a pig farmer who recently visited Mexico. Well, good job by the Canadian customs officials catching that one. ‘And where did you visit?’ ‘Mexico.’ ‘And what is your profession?’ ‘Pig farmer.’ ‘I see no problem. Come right in.'” – Jay Leno

“Health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer.” – Jay Leno

“It’s crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?” – Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it’s called Los Angeles.” – Jay Leno

“Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That’s more than we’ve seized all year. Come on!” – Jay Leno

“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. It seems as though we have the old swine flu on the run. The people down there at the CDC, Centers for Disease Control, say that it is now mild. They consider the swine flu to be mild. But they did say because today is Cinco de Mayo, today and today only, it will be spicy.” – David Letterman

“They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff.” – David Letterman

“Mexico’s finance secretary says the swine flu outbreak is costing the Mexican economy $2.2 billion. Yeah. The good news? That’s in pesos, so it works out to, like, $1.80.” – Jay Leno

“The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow.” – Jimmy Fallon