“As you know, Vice President Biden got in a little bit of trouble yesterday when he suggested that people should avoid commercial flights and subways if they want to stay healthy. Yeah. Today, President Obama recommended that Biden avoid microphones and TV cameras for the very same reason.” – Jay Leno
“Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work.” – Jay Leno
“I’m Jimmy, I’m the host of the program. Unfortunately, because of the swine flu, I cannot physically hug you all. But I want you to know that I’m hugging each of you in my heart right now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Are you getting tired of swine flu hysteria? I think the media has done a hell of a job scaring the hell out of everybody in this country. I mean, planes have been diverted, people don’t touch elevator buttons, proms have been canceled. At middle schools all across the country, students and teachers have been warned not to kiss during sex. And all for what? As of this morning, 331 confirmed cases worldwide. I’ve had more people than that in my Jacuzzi.” – Bill Maher
“I think a lot of people are really overreacting to this whole swine flu thing. Don’t you? Come on. Like today at Disney World, they quarantined Sneezy. There was no cause for that.” – Jay Leno
“Cheney, he overreacted, too. Today, he waterboarded a pig. There’s no reason for that. No reason.” – Jay Leno
“Researchers at Northwestern University said the worst-case scenario is that Swine Flu will infect 1,700 Americans over the next month. Best-case scenario? Turns you into a wolverine.” – Bill Maher
“Right now, I’m an hour away from a long, luxurious weekend of washing my hands every five minutes and loading my shotguns to fight off any swine flu zombies that might wander into the yard.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at the Supreme Court. There’s going to be an opening. David Souter is retiring, apparently, after a brief, terrifying conversation with Joe Biden.” – Bill Maher
“A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama says they’re already looking hard to try and find a replacement for Justice Souter who hasn’t, you know, paid any taxes.” – Jay Leno
“The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.” – Bill Maher
“They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that’s probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn.” – Bill Maher
“Conservatives, of course, are very nervous about this, for two reasons. One, David Souter was appointed by a Republican, and when he was on the court, became more and more liberal. And they say they will never again allow the appointment of someone who can learn. – Bill Maher
“And the other reason, of course, is because this week Arlen Specter has crossed the aisle. Now, maybe it’s because he’s 79, he just wants to be closer to the bathroom.” – Bill Maher
“Hey! Some happy news. As you may have heard, the White House has a brand-new puppy. I believe his name is Arlen Specter.” – Jay Leno
“I’m sure you’ve heard, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic party. Yeah, today, Obama told Republicans look, we’ll give you Biden and call it even.” – Jay Leno
“So, I guess the other big news you heard: Chrysler, bankrupt, finally. Yes, this is very bad news for Chrysler drivers. I mean, besides the fact they drive a Chrysler. … Chrysler is partnering now with Fiat! They have a new slogan: ‘Chrysler: It’s supposed to make that noise'” – Bill Maher
“President Obama said this week he is worried that the country is losing its love of learning. You may have heard him say this. He said we need to show as much attention to science award winners as we do basketball players. Now, didn’t he just install a basketball court in the White House? I guess the West Wing science lab is next on the list.” – Jay Leno
