“What was it, 101 today? Man, it was hot. People were sweating like Miss California at the gay pride parade.” – Jay Leno
“A journalist from Playboy magazine attempted to withstand 15 seconds of waterboarding. And he’s going to write all about it in an article that no one will ever read.” – Craig Ferguson
“Well, here’s no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in — this is an unbelievable number — $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here’s my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can’t live without the other, right?” – Jay Leno
“They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you’re from Minnesota. Then it’s like nothing.” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia.” – Jimmy Fallon
“So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It’s pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News.” – Jay Leno
“And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there’s always Congress, the NFL, and show business.” – Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to ensure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.” – Jay Leno
“And Rod Blagojevich, the indicted former governor of Illinois, lost his bid to travel to Costa Rica to appear on that NBC reality show, ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ No, he was supposed to be on that show and the judge said he couldn’t go. You know what reality show he could be on? ‘Cops.’ How about ‘Cops?'” – Jay Leno
“Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he’s a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we’ll see who the pirate is. That’s what I say.” – David Letterman
“But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff.” – David Letterman
“It’s ‘Green Is Universal’ week here at NBC. We’re all getting into it. Everyone here at NBC is pitching in. Earlier today, Donald Trump announced that he’s going to release his hair back into the wild.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You remember Dick Cheney? He was the guy who would go hunting and shoot guys. Also, our vice president, and I think the first vice president in a long time to actually shoot a guy. He’s now criticizing Barack Obama, because Barack Obama, one of the jobs he has to take care of now is sort of re-building the image and reputation of the United States around the world. Well, Dick Cheney has said ohh, no, no, no. He said he was very upset. He described [Obama’s] trip as a ‘disturbing trip.’ See, here’s the deal. Here’s what happened. Bush and Cheney handed Obama this country on a silver platter. And now look what he’s doing with it! That’s the problem.” – David Letterman
