“Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don’t understand? Come on!” – Jay Leno
“Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, ‘Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'” – Jay Leno
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas.” – Jay Leno
There are more and more states now where you can get married if you are a gay couple. For example, Vermont, gay couples can get married in Vermont. So that’s good news for Ben and Jerry.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he’s talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he’s done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama family finally got their dog, a Portuguese water dog. And they have named the dog Bo. And so far, the training of the house-breaking has gone pretty well. The dog has not made any messes, not chewed any furniture. So already he’s ahead of Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman
“Here’s a story that writes itself. People who contribute money to help Hillary Clinton pay off her presidential campaign are being offered the chance to spend a day with Bill Clinton. Yeah. … No, that’s real. All you have to be willing to do is write down everything Bill does and then report back to Hillary.” – Jay Leno
“Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it’s as if these people don’t hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, ‘Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'” – Jay Leno
“A 13-year-old boy in Peoria, Illinois, has been arrested and accused of robbing a bank. Well, the kid is obviously young and naive. He still thinks banks have money. You know how he got caught? … He was Twittering ‘I’m currently robbing a bank.'” – Jay Leno
“Nieman Marcus announced they’re selling a diamond-studded dog collar for $3.2 million. Well, finally, it’s nice to see one big company that’s not out of touch with mainstream America.” – Jay Leno
“More bad economic news. Southwest Airlines announced they lost $91 million in the first quarter. Now they say they’re going to have to start cutting back. Cutting back? Have you ever flown Southwest, huh? What, are they taking the glass out of the windows?” – Jay Leno
“Earlier this week, there was a reunion of the Bush administration officials in Dallas, Texas. … Reunion of Bush administration officials in Dallas, because there is one team you want to put back together, am I right? You bet, buddy. George W. Bush is now in his ninth year of not being president.” – David Letterman
“Bobby Jindal, the Republican governor of Louisiana, criticized Dick Cheney today, saying that he shouldn’t question Obama’s patriotism. In response, Cheney said, ‘I respect your opinion. That’s cool. Hey, would you like to go on a hunting trip this week?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s being reported a congressional aide caught a staph infection at the Congressional gym. Hey, let me tell you something. If that’s all you catch from a congressman, consider yourself lucky.” – Jay Leno
“Let me ask you something. Did you even know there was a Congressional gym? Have you seen your average congressman? Does Barney Frank look like he’s been to the gym to you? No. I don’t know who’s using it.” – Jay Leno
