“Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots — boom — and you’re done.” – Jay Leno
“How about those Navy Seals, though? They rescued Captain Stubing, Gopher, Doc and guest star Charo.” – David Letterman
“Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all ‘untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,’ or as we call them in this country, rap stars.” – Jay Leno
“This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What’s next? A dragon? Ghosts?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This whole pirate situation is getting out of control, right? Just can’t stop thinking about it. Two more attacks yesterday. I mean, I don’t understand how it works. Apparently, they pull up to the ship, they fire some shots, scare everyone off, then they climb up the side, then I guess they copy and distribute DVD’s. Is that what they do?” – Jimmy Fallon
“As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector’s attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head.” – Jay Leno
“I’m glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals.” – David Letterman
“And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, ‘We’ll build any car you want.'” – Jay Leno
“And now, there is serious trouble there off the coast of Somalia. Other pirates have vowed to avenge the death of their colleagues. Colleagues? What is this, a rotary club? What is this, a faculty meeting?” – David Letterman
“There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It’s a Portuguese Water Dog named Bo. Now, don’t confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different.” – Jay Leno
“How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese Water Dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did.” – David Letterman
“You know, Portuguese Water Dogs are very intelligent animals. In fact, some White House Cabinet officials have already taught it how to get out of paying taxes.” – Jay Leno
“A new dog in the White House. I believe there hasn’t been a dog in the White House since that pack of semi-domesticated wolves that Cheney kept in his dungeon.” – David Letterman
“General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I’ll tell you, I’m worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon.” – David Letterman
“Scientists from the University of Padova, in Italy, announced this week that baby chicks have the ability to do basic arithmetic and can add basic numbers together. You know, it’s bad enough our public school kids can’t compete with kids in China and Japan. Now we’re losing to poultry in Italy? This is bad. We need to get better schools.” – Jay Leno
“I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that.” – Jimmy Fallon
